Life in the year 2022

January
I started to write about January in May right now.  January passed unnoticed. Lassiter hosted fencing tournament on January 8th and Jasmine participated that day. Jasmine turned 17. Jordan, Jasmine's special friend visited our house. 

February
Um, February was just another month with work for me and school for Jasmine.

March
March was also just another month in paradise!  Jasmine took the first SAT exam with score 1370. Pretty good considering no payment for $$$ SAT test prep. She also signed up to take Joshua's law which required total of 32 hours to learn to be a responsible driver. She completed the lessons in 2 weekends. In summer, she would continue with 6-hr driving lessons. 

April
My work started to open the office again on April 18th. No more 3rd floor and 4th floor, only the 1st and 2nd floors remained. The best part was it was no longer a mandatory order to go to the office anymore. We still could work from home.

May
May marked the end of 2021-2022 school year. Jasmine finished 11th grade. Time flied. Jasmine had her 4 wisdom teeth extracted. Our house got new fences installed.

June
Jasmine had one week camp at Emory University. She came back one day sooner because her roommate got covid.  She also had Scoliosis x-ray and the doctor confirmed the surgery was not needed.  I was so happy and tremendously relieved after hearing so. 

July
Jasmine spent summer break with her dad. 
I met a new friend in Tennessee, and I got to celebrate my birthday with my friend there. 

August
Jasmine started her senior year in Lassiter High School. She decided to join Drama Club this year and quit the Fencing Club. 

September
Jasmine passed the driving test and got the real driver license. She started to drive by herself. I was nervous in the beginning, but I believed in her attitude on safe driving, so, I just prayed for her safe drive and relaxed my mind.  Jasmine and Jordan were no longer special friend for each other.  I visited Tennessee friend. 

October
October passed by normally and calmly.

November
Jasmine participated in SPLASH organized by MIT.  She enjoyed 2-day classes offered there and I did enjoy seeing my old friends, Off and Q and their children; DeeDee, and DaDa.  P Jiab and P Chai, my friends from college back in Thailand, now living in Connecticut also came to visit me and Off in Boston.  I got to visit Harvard Museum of Art and Harvard Museum of Natural History.  Friday after Thanksgiving, Jasmine and I went to P-Tee and P-Maew's house.  We also saw Gan, their 9th grade son and Mew, their friends' daughter, and a senior at GATech. 

December
Jasmine started to apply for colleges. I had 2.5 weeks off!  I spent time cleaning up closets and such, shared toys with the neighbors and planned to donate and throw away some stuff. It was said that this winter was the coldest winter in 40 years!!!!  
2022 Winter Arctic Blast Will Bring Coldest Christmas in 40 Years | Martha Stewart
During Christmas, I went to Miami beach, FL with my Tennessee friend.  It was too cold and windy on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. It should have been 70-80 degrees instead of 50+ degrees around this time of the year in Miami. We spent most of the time reading, and watching movies. We got to have hot choco and cookies at Fontainebleau hotel on Christmas Eve midnight though.  I am on track of spending New Year Eve night and New Year Day at the Thai temple, Wat Phramahajanaka in Griffin, Georgia.

Weather in Miami in December 2022 (Florida) - Detailed Weather Forecast for a Month (world-weather.info)

Book 4 - Equanimity (The Four Divine Virtues)

Book 4 - The Four Divine Virtues - Equanimity
By Ajahn Amaro

“Who is pulling the STRINGS?’

There are forces at work in the universe which pull the strings, as if we were being operated like puppets. But what are the forces which may be manipulating our lives, and how does all this work?

The Five Nayamas or Laws of Nature

The first is utu-niyrama. Utu literally means ‘weather’ or ‘temperature, seasons and other physical events’. This is a physical universe. We experience the results of the way matter works.

The second is bija-niyama.  Bija literally means ‘seeds’, so as human beings, we are subject to the laws of biology, genetics, we have a human body, we need to breathe.

The third is kamma-niyama. This means causes and effects of our own acts. This refers to the laws that govern the way effects take shape as a result of the personal choices that we make.

The fourth is citta-nigayam. This is the laws of psychology, how the mind works, how we think, the way the memory works, the whole of the psychological realm.

The fifth is dhamma-niyama. This is the laws of nature. This is the laws of how the realms of form, time, space and mind all operate – including the unconditioned, the unborn, the unoriginated, uncreated, the timeless and formless – the all-encompassing and all-embracing laws of reality at its most fundamental level. Dhamma-niyama is how all these integrate and uphold the reality of the way things are.

“Who is pulling the STRINGS?”, the Buddhist answer would be: ‘Wrong question’. ‘Who?’ is the wrong question. It’s not a matter of who but rather of understanding how these different forces, these different laws that contribute to our experience, operate and function in relationship to each other.

The Buddha teaches that what happens to us is not up to the gods, their moods and their rewards or punishment, but more to do with the actions that we take, with directing our minds towards what is skillful, what is wholesome. The ethics of Buddhism are psychological, insofar as we are the ones who create our rewards and punishments.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This falls to the laws of causes and effects, kamma-niyama.  In one’s past life, he or she might have done something bad such that in this life, bad things happen to him or her. The world is pre-conditioned but not pre-determined, and the future is conditioned by the choices we make here and now.

How can I use these ideas to improve my life?

Within that natural order, we have the capacity to make changes, to have an effect. We are able to choose, and this is what makes the possibility of liberation open to us.

The Buddha’s advice is rather for us to exchange trying to find happiness through getting what we like, for learning how to find happiness through liking what we get – or at least not finding fault with it. If we can make that shift in attitude and learn how to be open and at ease with that we’ve got, with how life is, then we can find a tremendous quality of harmony, peacefulness, and freedom. There is the vast serene radiance of upekkha or what we call ‘Equanimity’.

 

          ‘Who Is Pulling The Strings?’ - Forest Sangha

Book 3 - Appreciative Joy (The Four Divine Virtues)

Book 3 - The Four Divine Virtues - Appreciative Joy
By Ajahn Amaro

“Just one more …”

“Just one more …” is a desire or craving. ‘Because it’s a pleasant feeling, then, more of it would be better’ or ‘If this is followed, then, I would be happy.’ As we’re developing a consistent, comprehensive mindfulness around feelings, we are training ourselves not to believe those promises.  If the mind was once inclined towards resentment of the success of others, and the driving force of many of our desires was from seeing what they had and wanting the same, now the mind is more able to appreciate and consciously enjoy the happiness of others.

When we are feeling that restless, distressed, lonely, jealous, incomplete feeling, rather than seeking to get away from that or fill up that space with something that is pleasing, instead, the encouragement is to let it in, to let the results of that action, of that attitude be fully known. That opening to the painfulness of it is found to be what helps the habit to be broken, what helps the causes of the habits to dissolve and what strengthens the wisdom faculty – that clarity of mind that intuits’ I don’t have to be caught up in this.’

We first let the mind be as quiet and spacious as possible and then we deliberately drop a memory or a thought or a person’s name that we’re particularly averse to or obsessed with in order to trigger that emotion. When the emotion is felt, we take the attention off the stories and we bring it into the body; What does jealousy/anger/desire feel like? Where is it? What’s its texture?’

So we allow it in, let it be known in the body, let it be sustained for a few minutes, and then consciously let it go, using the out breaths to relax the body and to release that reactive pattern. ‘This is a feeling, this is something that has a beginning and an end. It’s not something that’s absolutely real and solid. It’s not completely who and what I am.’

Keep letting the out-breath have its effects, gently, steadily, supporting the quality of release, relinquishment, relaxation.

We’ve watched that mood, that emotion born from nothing, born from the arousal of a memory, bust into being, rise up, flower and fade away; the flowers bloom and fade, the fruits fall, the leaves drop, sink back into the earth, and then it’s all gone. It comes out of nothing and returns to nothing.

… Whatever feeling they feel …they abide contemplating impermanence, fading, cessation and the relinquishment of those feelings. Contemplating thus, they do not cling to anything in the world. When they do not cling, they are not agitated. When they are not agitated, they personally attain Nibbana.

Culatanhasankhaya Sutta (‘The Shorter Discourse on the Destruction of Craving’) M 37.3

      ‘Just One More...’ - Forest Sangha

Book 2 - Compassion (The Four Divine Virtues)

Book 2 - The Four Divine Virtues - Compassion
By Ajahn Amaro

‘DON’T PUSH – Just use the weight of your own body’

Barry Kapke said:
Don’t push, just use the weight of your own body’  (just offer your presence)
Don’t diagnose, just be aware.
Don’t try to help, but also don’t turn away, just be with the person.

That is all you have to do.

The primary quality of compassion, the root of compassion, Ajahn Amaro would suggest, is learning how to listen, to attend to what is here, to what is present. And from that attending, a capacity to do the appropriate thing arises.

Pay attention to where the other person is and attune to that as much as you can and be ready to lay aside your own anxieties or concerns or agendas. Then, mysteriously, this helps in the very best way.

When we notice some kind of difficulty or imbalance, some sort of distortion or discord within others or ourselves, we bring the quality of awareness to bear on it. The effort is to be aware; then things will adjust on their own.

If action is energized and guided by mindfulness and wisdom, rather than ‘me trying to do something for you’, lo and behold, it all lightens up.  When Right Effort is engaged, the process of helping is stress free.

Natural Attunement
By a Taoist teaching in a Tibetan Buddhist monastery in the north of England.

Close your eyes and you will see clearly
Cease to listen and you will hear truth
Be silent and your heart will sing
Seek no contact and you will find union
Be still and you will move forward on the tide of the spirit
Be gentle and you will need no strength
Be patient and you will achieve all things
Be humble and you will remain entire

Compassion for Yourself

The more we are able to feel our emotions, such as the feeling of fear, anger, or our charged thoughts, the more helpful it is to know them as physical sensations.  Where do you feel fear in the body? Is it in the throat? Is it in the belly? When you do this, you can consciously relax with fear. You recognize that it is only impermanent impression – it arises, it ceases.

There is awareness. There is the flow of feeling. And it is like this. In that way, you are learning to develop the refuge of wisdom, the refuge of Buddha; Buddha wisdom – being that knowing. You are not suppressing the feeling, blanking out or trying to get rid of it.

“…finally it was fully clear that fear was just a passing experience. It was a strong habit, but it was not who and what I was...” – compassion for yourself – why would you want to make yourself so miserable? Why would you want to harm yourself like this?  So, just let it go.

 ‘Don’t Push – Just Use The Weight Of Your Own Body’ - Forest Sangha

 

 

Book 1 - Loving-Kindness (The Four Divine Virtues)

Book 1 - The Four Divine Virtues - Loving-Kindness
by Ajahn Amaro

I’m RIGHT, you’re WRONG

When one acts like “I’m RIGHT, you’re WRONG”, then, he or she lost in a childish reaction. We need to therefore learn how to recognize the feeling or rightness and explore it, so that even if we feel we are 100% certain, we can reflect on that feeling before we decide how to handle the situation.

One might be “Right in Fact, but Wrong in Dhamma” when handling the situation without loving- kindness.  

Loving-kindness does not always mean you need to endure in everything that others do wrong to you. Instead of holding your grudge or anger, you just need to establish loving-kindness firmly in your heart, and then you go ahead to give them a fierce response back, again with loving-kindness in your heart and intention to make the situation better for yourself and them.

One who repays an angry person with anger
thereby makes things worse for themselves.
Not repaying an angry person with anger,
One wins a battle hard to win.

One practices for the welfare of both,
One’s own and the other’s
When, knowing that the other is angry,
One mindfully maintains one’s peace.

We can use physical awareness when we are attacked, when we are being mistreated or misunderstood. Rather than letting the mind go into verbal reactions or some kind of escape strategy, we can instead bring the attention into the body and feel: “What’s it like, the sense that I’m feeling attacked?” Rather than letting the mind buy into that self-justification, self-affirming habit, come back into the body and ask: “Where do I feel that? What’s it like? Where I feel that sense of indignation, fear or threat?”

It is very helpful to explore where in the body we feel these different emotional states and then to develop mindfulness of the body. Bringing the attention to that part of the body and fully knowing that feeling of being frightened, under pressure or criticized.

When those feelings, those painful sensations are held with a genuine, open unbiased awareness, that is when letting go, genuine relaxation can begin. “It is really not that big a thing. It’s just a feeling. Why do I do this to myself?” And then, we relax.

Hatred is never conquered by hatred.
Only by love is it conquered.
This is a law
ancient and inexhaustible.

‘I’m Right, You’re Wrong!’ - Forest Sangha

A Day Retreat at Wat Phramahajanaka, Griffin, GA

Yesterday was my day off which I spent part of it to prepare food and flowers to bring to Wat Phramahajanaka. Today, Saturday July the 2nd marked the day 10th of summer retreat at the temple, and I went to the temple with Sirinad and Varunee's family.  I got up at 6:00 a.m. to cook "Larb" and rice and got everything ready to go.  We left Sirinad's house around 8:15 and we got there at the temple around 9:40.

There were about 30 Thai monks today who came from around the US. One of the head monks already started Dhamma talk in the chapel when we showed up. After setting up our food on the main long and big lunch table, Sirinad and I were busy arranging the flowers.  Then, we followed the event schedule below.

10:30 - Chanting
11:15 - Giving alms to the monks
11:30 - Lunch break 
1:30 - 2.5-hr walking and sitting meditation
4:00 - Dhamma talk
5:00 - Closing Chanting

There were also evening chanting and other merit activities to do until midnight. Sirinad decided to spend overnight there. I left the temple with Varunee's family around 5:30.

Today, i got to learn one simple technique for walking meditation. I also learned that starting with walking meditation first really helps the mind to calm down before coming to sit down for sitting meditation.

Chanting before lunch

Giving alms to the monks

Lunch

My friend talking to a monk

Buddha Statue

    

Walking Meditation

Dhamma talk with a head monk

Wat Phramahajanaka
498 Steele Rd, Griffin, GA 30223 

Diamond Heart Book One - Elements of the Real in Man by A.H. Almaas

This book was introduced to me by a friend participating in Diamond Approach group. With determination to understand what was "Diamond Approach", I was so happy to receive the book and I started to read the book the following day. 

After reading 6 of the 17 chapters, it was time to start to summarize each chapter here. The summary was what each chapter communicated to me. It may or may not be what was intended to communicate to the readers by the author.  Also, I might just copy and paste from the book, or I might also write based on my understanding. 

1. In the World but Not of It.

You are in the world and in it when you allow the world around you to drive and guide you. You pursue your career, your roles as a mom, a dad, a husband, a wife, and so on by just letting your life goes along with the flow of outside values believed to be great or outside critics against you believed to be horrible by the world around you.

You are in the world but not of it when you pursue your career, your roles as a mom, a dad, a husband, a wife, and so on but you do not let the world designate or shake your true value, your Personal Essence. Instead, you live your life by trying to understand that part of it, your true value, your Personal Essence, in yourself and actualize it. 

2. The Theory of Holes

Everyone was born with his/her true value, his/her Personal Essence. Love, Peace, Value, Strength, Will, Courage, Humility, Truth and so on are aspects of Essence. Through the process of childbearing and growing up in the world, the essence got lost and instead was replaced by HOLES. 

The holes originated during childhood, partly as a result of traumatic experiences or conflicts with the environment. Perhaps your parents did not value you, did not treat you as if your wishes or presence were important. They ignored your essential value. Because your value was not seen or acknowledged, perhaps even attacked or discouraged, you got cut off from that part of you, the part of your true value, and what was left was a HOLE, a deficiency.

Emotions like sadnesses, hurt, jealousy, anger, hatred, fear, all of these are the result of holes. If you stay with the hurt and the pain of loss, without trying to cover it or fill it with something else, it is possible that you will feel the emptiness. 

Take this as a sample. When a hole developed by lacking love from your parents during your childhood, you tried to fill the hole by finding someone to love you. Filling the hole this way is not permanent yet could result in a much bigger hole or different holes. 

The loss of essence like this actually can regain but not by filling the holes from external objects, ideas, words or other feelings. 

The first thing to start is to allow yourself to feel the holes and not fill them so you can see what they are all about. You work to tolerate those feelings, to stay with them and not try to fill the holes with something else.

3. The Diamond Approach to the Work

Everyone was born with his/her true value, his/her Personal Essence. Love, Peace, Value, Strength, Will, Courage, Humility, Truth and so on are aspects of Essence. These aspects of Essence are just like facets of Diamond. Diamond Approach offers the Work of which participants, after joining, could gradually and eventually actualize their own personal Essence and should be able to fill their holes from within instead of external force. But how does the "Work" work?

First, you must learn to sense yourself, to pay attention to yourself, so that the necessary information is available. You must not avoid self-awareness. You must feel the holes, the emptiness, the falseness, the something-is-wrong feeling. 

Next, the Work uses various forms of the old techniques, such as meditation, to strengthen different parts of the Essense. The Work also uses psychological techniques to understand the blocks against the issues around the aspects of Essence. 

In the Work, you will see how different qualities of Essence are related to specific issues from the past. The relationships between the essential state, the hole that resulted from the loss of that state, the emotions and beliefs we create to fill the holes, and the conflicts that arise from the resulting false personality are all understood. These relationships and patterns are the same for every human being.

You have to see through all your conflicts, your fears, your guilt, your anger, your love, everything, so that in time, more and more essential qualities will be realized in you. If you can do this work thoroughly and completely, in time, you will be complete. No hole, just solid Essence. 

4. Faith and Commitment

Faith is seen more on the emotional level than as something that has to do with knowledge. It has to do with devotion or trust. Commitment is essentially dedication, bringing yourself closer to what you want to do. You use will to push yourself closer to what you want, to your aim. At the essential level, there is no such thing as faith; there is only knowledge. There is no such thing as commitment; there is just being. When you are your essence, you are not committed to yourself, you ARE yourself.

5. Nobility and Suffering

To be noble is to not let your superego or other people's superegos sway you, but to act according to the real truth. If you value anything over what is true in you, there is suffering. We can become deeply content simply by being in harmony with the truth. 

6. Value

Value is an aspect of Essence. You are Value yourself. When you experience Value in yourself, you will see that Value is the ground, the basis, of what is called the Personal Essence, what is in you that is you. You are based in Value.

7. Truth and Compassion

Compassion leads to truth, truth to compassion. When you see the truth, you feel hurt, when you allow yourself to feel the hurt, compassion comes. The hurt or suffering is just something in between that we go through and us irrelevant to the Essence. The important part is truth-the truth about who we are-no matter how much hurt, suffering, and fear it takes to get there. Sometimes the pain is there so that the person will learn the truth.

8. Trust

Compassion leads to trust, trust leads to compassion. Both are linked to truth. Hurt and vulnerability are what happen in between. They are some of what people to through in going from trust to truth or from truth to trust. 

The deeper level of compassion is to see the way things happen as truth and allow people to feel hurt so, they learn to be compassionate which later on, they can also get to the deeper level of compassion which is seeing what happens in life as truth. 

9. Essence is the Life

Essence is Ridhwan. Ridhwan is a verbal noun in Arabic that not only means "satisfied," "fulfilled," "contented," but also means "satisfying," "fulfilling," "making content."

The satisfying can only be owned by you only if it comes from inside. As long as you hold onto wanting something from the outside, you will be dissatisfied. 

To protect, nourish, and nurture Essence, or to really live the life of Essence, you have to take the responsibility, the will to actualize the truth. The will and the truth need to be objective and universal.  Objective means not influenced by your emotional state or your unconscious. It has to do with how things are, how they function which are facts.  Universal means not only the truth about you, but the truth about the whole situation, about everything and everybody. 

When the will and the truth are in harmony and both are objective and universal, they become citadel to protect Essence, the Ridhwan, the true values. 

10. The Value of Struggling

Genuinely grappling and confronting whatever issues, whatever problems, whatever conflicts whatever situations you have in your life. Completely embrace them. Do your best to observe and experience what is happening and to understand it. Ultimately, the struggle with yourself leads to what is called "Black Death."  When you get through the center of "Black Death," you will recognize that the heart of this death is pure compassion.

(My comment - and the compassion also leads to truth - see 7. truth and compassion. This also resembles Buddhist the Four Noble Truths and the Four Divine Virtues.)

11. Truth

The truth will set you free. Facts are not the truth. Facts are just like atoms that when putting them together, they form the whole situation, the truth. If you understand the facts and the causes of your fears, angers and hurts, and you are able to relate them together to form the whole situation, the truth, this truth with set you free. Your personality that used to be developed under the influence of your fears, angers and hurts without understanding the truth, will eventually have less influence on you. Instead, you will be more free in your actions and your interactions with others.  

When you seek truth, you seek yourself, the truth will set you free by allowing you to be yourself. 

(My question - free from ?)

12. Allowing

To allow the process of growth, you need to allow that anything can happen. Anything is possible. The attitude of trusting without knowing what will happen, of allowing things to emerge, is needed at all levels and stages of the process of inner development. 

Allowing is not passivity, and it not an act of determination. It is neither of these. It is between passive and active. In a sense, you are actively passive to your experience.

When we allow the natural process of growth, there is expansion, happiness and joy. 

(My comment - I do not quite understand this part.)

13. Growing Up

Growing up means to become an adult and not a child. To be an adult, it means;

_to become aware, to become conscious

_to do the best you can do in the situation. If something does not go right, an adult will look at the situation, see what to do to get out of it if the situation is not desirable

_to learn how to give yourself love, compassion, approval, recognition, support, and strength and stop believing that you need those things from the outside

There are two main ways of working with it. One is the theistic approach and the other is the nontheistic approach. 

The theistic approach is the main approach in the West. These traditions say that if you look toward God. What is needed is complete faith, complete surrender toward God. God is the essence of the Essence. 

The nontheistic approach is for example, the Buddhists and Taoists. The Buddhists speak of the Four Noble Truths; dukkha (suffering), samudaya (the cause of suffering), nirodha (there is a way to out of that), and magga (the path to come out from suffering).

Buddhists also speaks of the Four Divine Virtues; metta (loving kindness), karuna (compassion), mudita (sympathetic joy or empathy) and upekkha (equanimity). 

14. The Student's Relationship to the Teaching

The relationship between student and the teaching cannot be forced. If you want to be connected to the teaching, you need to put effort into understanding the relationship and actualize it.

15. The Impeccable Warrior

Uncertainty is the enemy of the impeccability. Uncertainty is due to incomplete awareness, incomplete knowledge of what is there. Impeccability is concerned with now, with complete presence at every moment. 

(My comment - Buddhist meditation is the teaching of Now, of being mindful.)

16. Curiosity

Curiosity is the joy of the truth. Just like children, their curiosity is spontaneous, in the present, full of joy, and not goal oriented. You need to be like a child. Curiosity is the motivation from the Essence itself. 

17. Gathering Honey

In the work, you work individually most of the time just like collecting nectars, of whatever quality and density you can collect. Then, it is necessary for everybody to get together and engage in a certain activity that, at its deepest level, is the gathering of these nectars in one place, so that by a certain process, the nectar can be purified and distilled, made as concentrated as possible. 

Bīng Dūn Dūn in Winter Olympics 2022

I loved watching Winter Olympics as much as watching Summer Olympics. In February 2022, the Winter Olympics was hosted by China. Asking me what my 3 favorite moments at this Winter Olympics were, then, I would say:

1. Nathan Chen's short program and free skating program gold medalist. Both were stunning. He made us felt like skating was just a piece of cake. It was so smooth, flawless and very relaxing. 

2. Eileen Ailing Gu who helped China won 2 golds in halfpipe and big air, and 1 silver in slopestyle. Wow! She was so amazing to be able to flip in the air like that.  

3. Women's Monobob with Kaillie Humphries, gold and Elana Meyers Taylor, silver This was the first Olympics to begin Monobob competing. It was Kaillie's first competing for USA instead of Canada. Elana breast fed her baby boy at the Olympics. 

But the moment that would always make me laugh when thinking about it could not be anything else but 👇

冰墩墩  Bīng Dūn Dūn 

So Cute!

 *** Cute Story from Instagram ***

In February 2022, my neighbor called saying her dog delivered 10 puppies already. I was thinking yeah yeah your dog delivered puppies but why needed to tell me. But right after we started video mode, I knew exactly why she called me. OMG! Out of all dogs in our neighborhood, my dog is the only black male dog. And look at those 10 BLACK puppies!  No excuse! Clear evidence!

Look at his face when he realized what he had done!

"ie ie ie They are sure my pups!"

Going Nowhere

While practicing meditation each night after coming back from the New Year Retreat, I also continued to read and refer to the 2 books: With Each & Every Breath and Keeping the Breath in Mind.

Each night, I meditated only about 30-40 minutes. The more I practiced, the more I felt my meditation skill went nowhere. My mind only wandered around to other preoccupied thoughts. My mind could not stay with my in-and-out breath.  And there were noises all the time; showering, washing machine, music, door knocking, walking up and down stairs..... 😄

I need to find a better spot. Well, finding the right spot was less of a problem than to stay with the breath. Regardless, I still determined to continue to practice.

Another lesson I learned from Ajahn Geoff was to TALK LESS and to LISTEN MORE.  I need to remind myself every day on this lesson, plus to HOLD ON MY OPINION after CAREFULLY THINKING about it. I should not lose my self-awareness as I determine to become a better person!

Even going nowhere yet, at least I hope I started at the right direction. 

Homage to the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha.

The Last Breath

The Last Breath with Ajahn Pasanno

I brought this hand-size book back home from Temple Forest Monastery. The book embraces the final days of Jay until his last breath. Jay was convicted in 1983 for the robbery and the murders of 2 people. He admitted to involvement in the robbery but denied having committed the murders. Yet, he refused to name his accomplice and was convicted and sentenced to death. His last day was February 9, 1999.

"The story is of a person who was able to utilize the adverse circumstances of incarceration Death Row in San Quentin Prison and develop the inner resources to face his death with courage, grace and compassion."

Since birth, we all have been walking our lives towards death row similarly to what Jay faced except that our last day could not be easily determined by court or judge but our fate and mother nature. Jay really taught us how we could "live diligently" with mindfulness of death.

Overwhelmed with heavy heart and sympathy for Jay while reading the book, I also felt thankful to him and Ajahn Pasanno.  If next life as a human being was waiting for Jay, I prayed for him to be able to fulfil his life as he wished for which was staying on the path of Dhamma. Almost 23 years had passed, he might have been born again already. Who knows?

"Is there anybody you have not forgiven yet?" Jay thought about it. " I haven't forgiven myself completely," he said softly at last. 

The Last Breath » Amaravati Buddhist Monastery

 

Journey: Part 3 Sadnesses

We all have our own struggling, our own problems and of course our own lives. We should not judge the sadnesses of others because as long as we are not in his or her shoes, we will never ever understand them. 

During the last quarter of 2021, my heart was filled up with sadnesses. I did not realize that until the beginning of December. The never-ending divorce that had lasted for 4-5 years already, the new relationship that did not last, my daughter who never wanted to travel or go here and there with me for an unknown reason, and her health issues that had always been my concerns. I felt so lonely. One day, I talked over the phone with my close friend, and I started to cry and cry and talk and cry. Since that day, my tear kept coming down anytime those sadnesses surfaced in my thoughts. At the orientation with a monk, as soon as I started to talk to him, I cried right away.  

With no internet, no electronics, and no cell phone allowed at the monastery, I read "With Each & Every Breath, A Guide to Meditation" written by Thanissaro Bhikku (Geoffrey DeGraff). I was so blessed to find this book. The first night of meditation, 90% of the time my thoughts only wandered around between all those sadnesses. Thanissaro Bhikku says in the book, write down other thoughts in a paper and come back to deal with them after the meditation, or if those thoughts keep coming back during mediation, let it be, if they show up 100 times, let them go and bring my mind back to the breath 100 times. He gives suggestion on how to focus on the breath, how to observe breath energy going through our body parts and so on. There is no right or wrong in meditation, we just need to experiment with some guidance and eventually reach our own meditation path which also can be changed several times through the experiences. 

The Buddha - Dhamma
is not to be found in moving forward nor in the moving backward,
nor in standing still.
This is your place of non-abiding.
--Ajahn Chah

To me, meditation itself does not replace sadnesses. But meditation teaches me to be "non-abiding" which means, do not hold on to the past as it never returns, do not worry about the future, as it is unknown, just live with the present.  To live with the present, meditation teaches me to observe my breathing in and out. To be able to observe my breathing in and out, I have to be alert, be mindful, so that when my thoughts start to wander, then, I can bring myself back to observe my breath again.  I strongly believe, the more I practice meditation, naturally, the more sadnesses will be going away and replaced with a calmer and happier mind.

When you experience struggling in life, mid-life crisis, or sadnesses, in some situations, you might be able to do something or ask for cooperation from others, but in most situations, you cannot control the others, your partner, or the situations themselves, but you can work up your mind by doing meditation and gradually you will come out of those sadnesses, be happier and be more rational to deal with the issues with less emotional effects. 

 "With Each & Every Breath, A Guide to Meditation" written by Thanissaro Bhikku (Geoffrey DeGraff) -- Request for the book can be sent to Metta Forrest Monastery.
Metta Booklist (dhammatalks.org)

Or download eBook from: 
With Each & Every Breath: A Guide to Meditation (dhammatalks.org)

Journey: Part 2 Life is just like this

At the monastery, I met couple new friends seeking a quiet and peaceful time to energize themselves before the new year.

"Why did you turn to Dhamma and meditation?" was a question being asked during an evening teatime,

JJ, the 60-year-old Chinese who joined me and Sirinat during our teatime openly talked about her story. Ten years ago, at the age of 50, menopause and maybe other things in life did have a lot of effects on JJ. She was trapped into depression and could not come out of it.  It was at the point when she could not work nor function in life at all. Eventually, she needed to be on anti-depression medicines. When trying to stop the medicines, she got relapsed twice. 

One day, she decided to sign up for a program offered at Insight Meditation Society in Massachusetts. She said the instructor talked Dhamma, sufferings and such and she knew that was it. What the instructor talked was what exactly happened to her. After the first program she attended, she started to participate more and more of this type of programs and retreats. Until today, she has been attending more than 1,000 hours of these programs. And the best of all, she no longer needs to use anti-depression medicine. 

Her 22-year-old son also has been struggling in school since the age of 14. Her son is still taking anti-depression medicines but has not yet sought advice from Dhamma and meditation. He is studying at a college right now and planning to stay in the college for another 2 more years. 

JJ did not talk about her husband much. She only said she and her husband did not have the same interest, so, they did not do things together much. 

It was not clear if JJ is still working or retired already. She said she volunteered at a hospital to teach Yoga and Meditation for people struggling in life. She said she experienced it before, so, she understood these people and she would like to help them. 

JJ seemed to read a lot. She seemed to understand Dhamma very well. She also traveled to Japan, sought a temple to stay and practice meditation there. She mentioned she would like to go to a place where she could shave and become a nun once in her lifetime.

Life is just like this indeed.

I came to the temple with lots of sadnesses. I did not share everything with JJ. Through her story, JJ did not know that she did help me as well. While she was struggling herself, her son was also struggling. Even now, I am certain she might still feel down from time to time, but I am glad she did find the refuge sheltering her from distress and sufferings. 

Life is just like this.  What about my life then?

Journey: Part 1 Peaceful New Year at Temple Forest Monastery

 It was an unplanned New Year holidays this winter, but the peaceful mind was the greatest present of all. 

"Yesterday is a memory
Tomorrow is the unknown
Now is the knowing"
--Ajahn Sumedho

The Temple Forest Monastery remained its simplicity, covered up with snow and very quiet in winter. The temple only allows limited overnight stay guests. There were about 4-5 male guests and 4-5 female guests while I was there. We were not allowed to use cell phone or electronics.

Everyone gathered in the chapel at 5:00 a.m. daily to meditate for an hour. 
After the morning meditation, we were assigned chores and after that, breakfast started at 7:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m. Then, we did more morning chores and lunch started at 11:00 a.m. to noon. In the afternoon, we spent time by ourselves. I did sitting/walking meditation, reading Dhamma books, stretching exercise, etc. At 5:00 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. we could have tea, dark chocolate and cheese, but we were not allowed to eat anything else, in other word, we followed the monks' routine by not having any more meal after 11:00 a.m. Some guests used this time to do Dhamma talk, share their life experiences, why they started to meditate, etc. Then, at 7:00 p.m. we gathered in the chapel again for an hour meditation. That concluded our daily routine. I missed regular Saturdays and Sundays when monks offer Dhamma talk with guests. 

I enjoyed walking on the snow there. There is a creek running along the walking path and also there is an icy lake to walk over to on another path.  It was so quiet such that I had to also bring my cell phone along just in case if I really needed to use it.  I saw animal hoofs on the snow as well. 

This monastery is not a retreat center which normally have instructors to guide participants how to meditate, offer daily Dhamma talk, and participants meditate more longer hours daily.  Anyway, I did have a peaceful time there. 

I decided to leave a day sooner because on New Year Eve, the Abbot announced that there was another monk tested positive for Covid-19 and a young guy who had been helping around the temple did not feel well.  So, 2 of the 8 monks now were tested positive. The Abbot also canceled New Year Eve midnight chanting. I was not a close contact to the monks, but I did work and talk with that young guy daily. He did rapid test with negative result on the new year day. That gave everyone a relief, but we all still had to be cautious, so, I decided to come back a day sooner.

My peaceful time at the Temple Forest Monastery was from Monday December 27th, 2021, to Saturday January 1st, 2022.

Temple Forest Monastery